


Thelma & Louise

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s05e13 The Warfare of Genghis Khan, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-07
Updated: 2011-01-07
Packaged: 2019-05-30 09:16:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15093734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: CJ and Donna spy on Josh while he star gazes with the Nasa chick.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

“We’ll never know…” 

I walk by Donna’s desk as she mumbles something and begins abusing the stapler. “What?” 

She looks up at me, holding the stapler like she’s going to use it as a weapon. “What?”

“Did you just say something?”

“No, I don’t think so,” she says with a big fake smile on her face. She goes back to stapling whatever offending document is in her hand.

“Donna?” 

She keeps stapling. I’m telling you, there’s only about four pieces of paper there and they now have about 15 staples keeping them together. “Don’t worry about it CJ, it’s no big deal,” she says. Three more staples.

I grab the stapler out of her hand. “In my office, now.” I turn around and walk. I don’t look back, but I know she’s following me. I used my stern voice that the boys are afraid of. Donna’s not afraid of it, but she knows it means business. 

When she walks in behind me, she closes the door and looks at the floor. “Ok, Donna. Spill.”

“We’ll never know. That’s what I said.”

“What won’t we ever know?”

She looks up at me and shakes her head. I just stare harder at her and squint my eyes a little bit. Finally, she sighs. “Josh blew off dinner with Bregstone tonight to go stargazing with some chick from NASA.”

Oh, shit. How do I get myself into these things? “He has a date with someone from NASA?”

She kicks the edge of the couch. Actually kicks it. “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know? Weren’t you snooping?” Josh needs to be eavesdropped on at all times. God only knows what he does in that office all day.

Now she looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Of course I was eavesdropping. But she was clever. Little bitch.”

Ok, so Donna doesn’t care for the NASA woman. “What’d she do?”

She crosses her arms over her chest and huffs. “She made it sound work related. Told him he wouldn’t understand what NASA wanted until he saw “what was up there.” She says the last part with air quotes. 

Ok, so the woman knows what she’s doing. “Well, I admit, she was very smooth. But what won’t we ever know?”

“I…” she trails off and starts whispering.

“Donna…”

“I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help it. I asked him if he’d be going if she wasn’t attractive.”

“Ahh… and he said ‘we’ll never know,’ right?”

“Bastard.” Donna plops down in my couch and I lean against my desk in thought.

“So, what are we going to do about this?” 

“What can we do, CJ? He’s a grown man. He’s not dating anyone, he’s allowed to go out with slutty NASA workers if he wants to.”

Slutty, I guess. It’s worse than I thought. “First of all, a grown man? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” She chuckles a little at me, but I can tell it's forced. “You could tell him.” I know, I know. As the press secretary, I am completely against this, but as Donna’s closest friend… come on. I’m a woman too; I have a heart.

“CJ, what have you told me a thousand times?”

I sigh. “That the day you and Josh figure this out is going to be the day I turn in my resignation. But I was kidding, well, mostly.”

“I know, but…”

“Donna, we’ve made it through a drug and alcohol addiction, a prostitute, an MS scandal, a shooting, an emotional breakdown, and illegitimate children. I think we’d make it through this.”

“I won’t risk it. And neither will he, or he would’ve…I don’t know, something.” It’s quiet for a minute and Donna gets up to leave. “I’ll be fine. I just act like a sixteen year-old jealous girlfriend sometimes. Ignore me.”

“Donna,” I say as she reaches the door. I can’t believe I’m doing this. “What if Thelma and Louise took care of this?”

She turns around quickly and shuts the door again. “CJ! We… we can’t. You… you said never again.”

Yes, I did say never again. The night we saw Amy do a striptease for Josh in front of her open window, whore, we both decided we couldn’t stomach the spy business anymore. “I know, but we’re going to have to make an exception.”

“But…”

“Donna, don’t you want to know? Is there going to be dinner? Wine? Kissing? Sex? Is he going home or going home with her? Tell me you don’t want Thelma and Louise to take action.” She looks at me and slowly nods her head in both confirmation and guilt.

Yes! I’ve missed Thelma and Louise. They’re fun, they’re sneaky, they’re spontaneous. Of course, they’re not spies so much as, well, criminals, but Alias didn’t exist when Thelma and Louise made their first appearance back in the Mandy days. “Ok, then. When are they meeting and where?”

“She’s picking him up here at 8.”

“Ok, we’ll have to follow them. You know what that means?”

She nods. “I’ll go to Avis during lunch.” 

“Good. What about the wigs?”

“They’re at my apartment. I’ll pick them up when I get the car.”

**********

I feel better. I feel alive. I feel…sneaky. Thelma and Louise are on the case, baby. It’s been a long time, but they can get the job done. Yes, my mood is definitely lifted. And anyway, being Thelma and Louise makes for an entertaining evening.

It all started during our first year here. Mandy came to work for us several months into office and I became obsessed with whether or not she and Josh were dating again. Now, let’s get this straight. I was not jealous at that time. I was worried. When Josh was dating Mandy during the campaign, it was hell. He screamed a lot. He threw things a lot. She yelled a lot. She threw things a lot. And occasionally, I got caught in the crossfire, literally. So, when she came back to work for us, I had to know if they were dating again to protect myself.

Anyway, CJ was fearful for the same reason. No one liked Mandy. NO ONE. So she and I decided to spy on them to look for signs of reconciliation. We called this mission Thelma and Louise. Granted, Thelma and Louise weren’t spies. If Alias was on television back then, we would’ve been Sydney and Irina or something like that, but Alias wasn’t on and Thelma and Louise kicked ass, so we went with that name. Let’s not get hung up on it.

So, we did what any two women would do in our situation. We tailed them, we drove by their respective apartments, we eavesdropped on their conversations. You know, things like that. We never found any evidence of their dating and eventually put an end to the mission. Then one day, Mandy disappeared.

The next time we pulled out Thelma and Louise, and I’m Thelma by the way, was when Joey Lucas arrived and Josh started wearing special suits and giving her coffee mugs. This time, we got creative. We wore wigs, mine brown, hers red, and started really getting into spy mode. Josh and Joey never materialized, and we eventually ended the mission once Joey left to go back to California. Sure, I still checked his cell call log every day for a month, but that’s really just being a good assistant. Oh, shut up.

Thelma and Louise made the occasional appearance after that. Danny started seeing someone and they had to investigate. It never went anywhere, so they weren’t needed all that much. There was that month that CJ was sure Carol was trying to get Danny, and Thelma and Louise investigated several times, but never came up with any solid proof. As far as Josh, there was a date with a Georgetown University professor once and dinner with an ex-girlfriend from college one other time, but he was still recuperating from a gun-shot wound, so Thelma and Louise weren’t overly worried. Then came Amy Gardner.

Thelma and Louise made several appearances during Amygate. I freely admit that by this time, it was pure unadulterated jealousy feeding these missions. Not to mention guilt. Let’s face it. I slept with Cliff and pushed him into the arms of another woman. I’ve never been sure why it was her, but in truth I’ve always been happy that it wasn’t a woman with, well, a heart. At least there was no chance of him falling in love with the tramp of DC. It was during Amygate that we started renting vehicles if there was a chance we were going to be seen. We also bought costumes once, although for the most part, Thelma and Louise just wear all black.

After the break-up, if you can call it that, Thelma and Louise occasionally went out on missions to check the status of said break-up. Not often, just when Amy started pushing Josh. Like election night, when she came to the White House looking much more like a prostitute than Sam’s friend Laurie ever did. Thelma and Louise went to Josh’s late that night to make sure he was there alone. He was. Once Amy started working for Mrs. Bartlett, however, we started keeping a close eye out. 

Then there was forth of July. We were all watching the fireworks and Amy gave Josh a look and then they left together. CJ and I saw this and immediately went into Thelma and Louise mode. We followed them back to Amy’s and Amy was getting naked in front of her window… with the blinds open. Whore. Isn’t it bad enough that he had to see her like that; did we have to as well? Anyway, we both felt sick to our stomachs and since we knew all we ever needed to know about Amy and more, we vowed then and there never to bring out Thelma and Louise again. That’s the night CJ got me completely hammered and let me sleep it off on her couch. She claims that she had to unplug the phones from the wall and hide my cell because I kept trying to call him and tell him he was sleeping with a tramp. I don’t have any proof of that, so I’m not sure…

So, now it’s February and Thelma and Louise are making an appearance after seven months of exile. This is going to be fun! Or disastrous. 

**********

So, here’s the thing I’ll never tell anyone but you. I always wanted to be a spy. I would’ve made a great spy too. Truth be told, I would follow Leo home from work every night if I could do it wearing a wig and driving someone else’s car. 

Donna comes into my office and closes the door around 7:40. “Are we all set?”

“Yes, your wig is in the front seat. I grabbed you a black sweatshirt from my place. Here are the keys,” she says, tossing the rental car keys at me. “It’s a black Chevy Cavalier, parked two blocks from here on 14th, across from the parking lot.”

“A Chevy Cavalier? You can’t be a spy in a Chevy Cavalier.” What was she thinking?

“If Sydney Bristow can be a spy in a Ford Focus, you can be one in a Chevy Cavalier. It was the only black car left.”

I sigh. “Fine. I’ll leave here now and get the car. When they’re leaving, call me on my cell. But if they take her car, you’re gonna have to watch what way they pull out of the driveway, and I’m going to need the make and model. Otherwise, I’ll never find them.”

“Got it. Once they leave, I’ll wait three minutes and leave, as usual. As soon as you’ve caught up with them, let me know where you are and I’ll follow.”

“Three blocks behind, Donna. He’ll know your car if he sees it.”

“Three blocks, of course. Once they stop someplace, a hotel or wherever…”

“Focus Donna…”

“Sorry, I’m focused. Once they stop someplace and you watch them enter, we’ll meet nearby and stash my car. My wig and clothes are in my trunk, I’ll change enroute.”

“Ok, I think we’re all set. I’m heading out now.” I walk to the door. “Good luck, Thelma.”

“See you on the road, Louise.”


	2. Thelma & Louise

7:54pm, White House/2003 Chevy Cavalier (Washington, DC)

“Josh Lyman’s office.”

“This is Louise, checking in.”

“Are you position?”

“I am. Any sign of NASA?”

“Not yet.”

“How about Harvard?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary.”

“This wig isn’t staying on for crap.”

“Are you using the panty-hose?”

“I hate the panty-hose. They pull on my forehead and mash my hair down to my head.”

“Suck it up.”

“Fine. I like the sweatshirt, by the way, it’s comfortable.”

“Thanks, I stole if from Harvard. Oh, NASA has arrived. I’m going radio silent.”

**********

8:03pm Cavalier/White House Parking Lot (Washington, DC)

“Hello?”

“This is Thelma. The package is in a black Chevy Tahoe. License plate 52T425R.”

“What way did they turn?”

“They’re heading directly for you. Pull out of your spot and go to the corner.”

“Out of my way, Grandma! Ok, I’ve got a Tahoe in sight. Hussy drives a gas guzzler.”

“Tramp.”

“Give me the license plate again.”

“52T425R”

“Yeah, it’s them.”

“Not too close.”

“Two cars, traffic’s bad. I can’t risk any more than that.”

“You have the wig on?”

“Yeah, I got it. Finally.”

“You should be fine then. I’m walking to the parking lot now.”

“We’re heading southeast on 14th.”

“Ok. I’ve got a visitor, I’ve got to go.”

“No violence unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

“Toby, hi…”

**********

8:31pm Cavalier/1996 Mazda Protégé (Somewhere in Virginia)

“Where the hell are we going, anyway?”

“Probably a bed and breakfast.”

“No emotions during a mission Thelma. You have to stay focused. And you don’t go to bed and breakfasts for things like this, you go to seedy motels that rent by the hour. We just tuned right onto… Meredith, I think. Meredin maybe.”

“Can you see anything in the Tahoe?”

“No. Tinted windows. Did Harvard or NASA say anything that might give away the destination?”

“Nothing. Harvard smirked as they were leaving though.”

“Bastard. I’m starving.”

“I just turned onto Meredith. I put a power bar in the glove compartment for you.”

“That’s why I love having you as a partner. If the mission’s successful, you want to pick up a pizza and watch Sunday’s Alias? I haven’t seen it yet.”

“It was good. Lauren and Sark had sex.”

“I hate Lauren.”

“You’re missing the point. Naked Sark.”

“It showed him naked? Left on... shit it’s dark out here. Looks like Bell Road.”

“Got it. It only showed him from the chest up.”

“Hold back, Thelma. We’re stopping.”

“Where are you?”

“A field. Where are you?”

“Turning onto Bell now. I’m pulling over to the side of the road.”

“They’re getting out. Where are the binoculars?”

“In the glove compartment with the power bar.”

“Hold on. Ok, NASA’s getting something out of the back.”

“What is it?”

“I have no idea, but it’s huge.”

“Is Harvard in danger?”

“Can’t tell.”

“Any inappropriate touching?”

“Nothing yet. It’s… yeah, I think it’s a telescope.”

“Does she have a blanket and wine to go with it?”

“Not that I see. She’s setting it up. It’s gonna take a few minutes. I should come for you now.”

“Ok, we just passed a Burger King. That can be the extraction point.”

“I’ll meet you there in two minutes.”

**********

9:11pm Cavalier (Middle of Nowhere, Virginia)

“You’re right, NASA is attractive.”

“She’s too thin. I’ve got it.”

“It’s about time, hit me.”

“Susan Sarandon was in Thelma and Louise with Gina Davis. Gina Davis was in A League of Their Own with Tom Hanks, Tom Hanks was in Philadelphia with Bradley Whitford, Bradley Whitford was in Kate and Leopold with Meg Ryan, Meg Ryan was in Top Gun with Tom Cruise, and Tom Cruise was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon.”

“There are so many flaws with that, I don’t even know where to start.”

“What?”

“First of all, it’s six degrees of separation and you have seven people. Second, you used Bradley Whitford to link Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan when Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan have been in three movies together.”

“Really?”

“Hello! Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail, Joe Versus the Volcano.”

“Joe Versus the Volcano?”

“Third, you went way out of the way. Oh, something’s happening.”

“What?”

“NASA’s moving closer to Harvard and he doesn’t seem to notice because he’s looking in the telescope.”

“Give me those binoculars… keep you’re hands off my man.”

“What’s going on?”

“I’m not sure. It looks like NASA’s adjusting the telescope. Yeah, she’s moving back now.” 

“They’re keeping a pretty platonic distance from each other. That’s a good sign.”

“You can do better?”

“Six degrees? Of course. Susan Sarandon was in Step Mom with Julia Roberts, who was in Flatliners with Kevin Bacon.”

“Oh, wow, I suck.”

“It’s understandable. You’re mind’s not in the game.”

“Something’s happening. Stay away from my man, hussy.”

“What’s happening?”

“She’s… putting the telescope away. Don’t linger by the car and kiss, don’t linger by the car and kiss, don’t linger…”

“Chanting?”

“It worked, didn’t it? He’s getting in the car.”

“Let’s go. I’ll drop you off at the extraction point and we’ll follow where they go next.”

“A sleazy motel, no doubt.”

“Thelma…”

“Sorry.”

**********

9:51pm Cavalier/Protégé (Georgetown, Washington, DC)

“How far back are you?”

“I’m turning onto his street now. Where are you?”

“Across the street from Harvard’s condo and back three spaces. I can see the package, but they can’t see me.”

“What’s happening? Are they getting out?”

“Umm…”

“Louise…”

“The engine’s off.”

“What? That fucking whore! I’m gonna…”

“Calm down. It could be anything.”

“How long has the engine been off?”

“About five minutes.”

“They’re having sex in the front seat right now!”

“Why would they do that when his bed is up a flight of stairs?”

“Ok, ok. You’re right. I’m calm.”

“They’re probably just making out.”

“CJ!”

“Hey, hey, hey. Louise when we’re on missions.” 

“Right.”

“We’ve got to get closer to the package, so we can see inside the window.”

“What? How?”

“I don’t know. We need a plan.”

“Ok, I’m parked two cars behind you. Should I come up there?”

“Yes. Walk on the sidewalk and get in on the driver’s side. I’ll scoot over to the passenger side.”

“Ok, I’m walking. Keep an eye on the package.”

“No movement, everything looks good. Keep your head down and the phone up to hide your face.”

“This isn’t the first time I’ve done this, you know.”

“I know, I’m sorry….Shit. Abort. I repeat, abort mission. Harvard is out of the SUV. Abort mission.”

“Shit.”

“I know.”

“What about NASA?”

“NASA is still in the SUV, she’s…starting the engine. NASA is pulling away. Going home or going to park for the night. I don’t know which. Can you see Harvard from where you are?”

“No, I’m hiding next to the mini-van behind you. Is he looking my way?”

“No. He’s going up his steps. Stay where you are for now.”

“What’s he doing?”

“He’s… getting something out of his pocket. His keys maybe. Hold on, I’m getting out the binoculars.”

“Shit!”

“What?”

“It’s his phone.”

“How do you know?”

“My other line’s ringing. It’s him.”

“Shit.”

“Should I answer it?”

“No, yes. Wait. No. Yes.”

“I’m answering, I’ll call you back.”

***********  
9:53pm. Sidewalk/Front step (Washington DC)

“Hello?”

“Hey, what’s up?” 

“Umm, nothing. What’s… do you need something?”

“Yeah, I need some statistics on NASA tomorrow and maybe some time with CJ and Toby.” 

“Umm, ok, you’re on the Hill in the morning. I’ll have it when you get back.”

“Alright. Have you eaten?”

“Uhh…it’s almost ten, Josh.”

“I know, but I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten. Want to order a pizza or something?”

“I’m…I’m…already in my pj’s.”

“That’s ok. I’ll come to you. Order, I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

“I… hello…hello… HELLO!”

**********  
9:54pm Cavalier/Mazda (Georgetown, Washington, DC) 

“Hello?”

“Drive. You’re about to be compromised.”

“Understood. Where are you?”

“In my car, driving down an alley. Harvard is about to leave to come to my place.”

“There he is, walking down the sidewalk. Isn’t his car at the office?”

“He took a cab this morning.”

“Shit.”

“I know.”

“I’ll call him now, buy you some time.”

“You haven’t seen me since we left the office.”

“Standard alibi?”

“Yes, I did laundry and talked to my mom on the phone, you went grocery shopping and read a novel.”

“Make contact later, let me know you’re safe.”  
**********  
9:55pm Sidewalk/Cavalier (Georgetown, Washington, DC)

“Lyman.”

“Are you still at the office?”

“CJ? No. I left a few hours ago.”

“Oh, are you at home.”

“Kind of, what do you need?”

“Umm… what I need is…”

“Yeah.”

“I need… I need…you’re mom’s chicken noodle soup recipe. That’s what I need.”

“What?”

“I need you’re mom’s chicken noodle soup recipe.”

“Why?”

“I want to make soup.”

“Ever hear of Campbell’s?”

“Funny. You’re mom makes the best chicken noodle soup.”

“How do you know? You’ve never had it.”

“I’ve heard you talk about it.”

“Whatever. I’ll bring it to you tomorrow.”

“I need it now.”

“I’m leaving now.”

“Please, I’m at the grocery store. I want to buy the stuff while I’m here.”

“Are you kidding me with this?”

“No. Why would you say that?”

“You can’t wait till tomorrow?”

“You can’t walk back inside and get it for me now?”

“Fine. But I want a bowl tomorrow for lunch.”

“Fine.”

**********  
10:05pm Cavalier/Mazda (Washington, DC)

“Hello?”

“I bought you five minutes. It’s the best I could do.”

“You’re awesome! You are the world’s best spy partner.”

“Yeah, you better be grateful. I have to make soup tonight and bring him a bowl tomorrow for lunch.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story. Where are you?”

“I’m five minutes from home. I ordered the pizza, but I still have to change into my pajamas and do something with my hair. It’s plastered to my head.”

“From the pantyhose under the wig.”

“Yes.”

“Told you. Pizza?”

“He called cause he hadn’t eaten.”

“So, you get pizza with the man of your dreams while I make him soup?”

“It doesn’t really seem fair, does it?”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“So, I guess this NASA thing was just a business thing after all.”

“I guess so.”

“Hmm, who would’ve thought?”

“I think we can call this mission successful and completed.”

“I guess so.”

“I’ll bring my wig to you tomorrow. We should keep them together for the next mission.”

“So, we’re back in business.”

“Oh yeah baby, I feel alive.”

“Night Louise.”

“Night Thelma.”

“Oh, CJ?”

“Yeah?”

“Since you’re bringing Josh soup tomorrow…”

“Yeah, I’ll bring you some too.”

“Thanks…for everything.”

“Anytime.”


End file.
